Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
