I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
