Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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