I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
