So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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