even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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