I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
