I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
