mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
