Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
