You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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