ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
