Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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