Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
