If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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