I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
