We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
