I accidentally had phone sex last night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
