I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
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I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
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It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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