Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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