bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
