she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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