Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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