I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
