This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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