i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
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I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
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That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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