pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
