maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
