I faked an abortion last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize