She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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