Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
