he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
