She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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