someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
