don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
