i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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