The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
