so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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