she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
