You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
