you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
