fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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