I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
