I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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