you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
