Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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