First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
