Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
