I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
cat food counts as protein by the way
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
