he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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