hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
