I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
