my mouth tastes like poor choices
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
