You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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